Wednesday, October 3, 2012

101 Things I Learned From Fantasy Stories

I was bored. Didn't feel like reviewing Suicide Squad (because that would involve having to reread parts of it-- not something any sane person would subject themselves to), so here's a list:

1. Shepherds save worlds.
2. Political feuds trump deadly outside threats.
3. Heroes can talk to wolves.
4. Never make deals with a faerie.
5. In fact, never make a deal with anyone good looking.
6. Bastard children are heroic.
7. Unless they're named "Ramsay."
8. Kindly old wizards are useless.
9. Anything associated with darkness, shadow, or the color black is evil.
10. If magic existed, nobody would have ever invented gunpowder.
11. There is no problem that cannot be resolved via swordplay.
12. Modern day people don't believe in magic, and they never will-- not even if a wizard blows up their car and a vampire eats their kids.
13. All women are egocentric maniacs who believe all men to be "wool brained lummoxes." ...whatever those are.
14. If the word "finger" is included anywhere in his name, he's probably evil.
15. There are no Light Lords, only Dark Lords.
16. For every legion of doom, there is at least one tortured anti-hero looking to cast off the evils of his people.
17. Speaking of which, evil is apparently genetic.
18. In case of faeries, keep calm and carry lots of iron.
19. Death is actually a pretty cool dude.
20. But sometimes he's a girl.
21. Wandering swordsmen are always either kings without kingdoms or dishonored knights. No exceptions.
22. Commenting on the bust size of a sorceress is ill-advised.
23. Four out of five religious institutions are either corrupt, dangerously over-zealous, or secretly evil.
24. Prophecies are never straightforward. Ever.
25. Gods are dicks.
26. Humans can produce viable offspring with pretty much anything.
27. The best and most efficient way to lay siege is to swarm the walls en masse.
28. Likewise, siege weapons make excellent crowd control weaponry.
29. The pastoral ideal is the best ideal.
30. Wizards live in towers.
31. Pale people are either evil or elves, and screw elves.
32. Standards of beauty never change. They are exactly the same in the medieval fantasy world as they are in our own modern society.
33. Lions are Jesus.
34. If you know a lot of songs, everyone will love you.
35. Empires are evil.
36. Monarchical rule is the best rule.
37. Usurpation never leads to good things.
38. If the guy in charge is sufficiently evil, then all the plants in the kingdom will wither and die from his sheer evilness.
39. Ecological sense is inversely proportional to how badass the animal is.
40. All myths are true.
41. Even after centuries without proper maintenance, locked away from the light in damp caverns, machinery never breaks down.
42. Bows and arrows are precision weapons.
43. Even ancient and unspeakable gods are powerless in the presence of teens with swords.
44. Do not write words in metal.
45. Rocks are smarter in winter.
46. If you happen to live near a hero of destiny, move away. The villains a probably going to burn down your neighborhood.
47. The proper response to zombies is a zombie dinosaur.
48. Vampires make Machiavelli look like an idiot child.
49. Prostitutes make vampires look like the idiot child Machiavelli.
50. Frey pies are delicious.
51. If you are good and pure, then you are invincible.
52. Chancellors and advisers are terrible people.
53. "Glamour" means "illusion." No joke or observation here. This is really something I learned.
54. Katanas beat everything.
55. Chain-mail bikinis are the height of fashion.
56. Redemption is not for everyone.
57. Do not test the magic. Give into the magic.
58. If it looks even vaguely humanoid, then humans will sleep with it.
59. If it does not look humanoid, the humans will probably sleep with it anyway.
60. "Sorcerers," "Mages," "Wizards," "Witches," and "Warlocks" are definitely different, but no can seem to agree on what those differences are. They're like the nerds and geeks of fantasy worlds.
61. All problems everywhere can be solved by simply finding an evil dude and killing him.
62. Thieves are highly trained masters of stealth and guile who are nonetheless lovable rogues with good hearts. Always.
63. Duel-wielding is a completely practical means of combat.
64. Woman don't need to wear armor.
65. If they wear armor anyway, then is incredibly form-fitting.
66. Everyone meets in a tavern.
67. Guns are useless.
68. Refusing the call of prophecy will inevitably lead to everything you know and love being cruelly taken from you.
69. Accomplished warriors are selfish lovers.
70. Societal concepts of childhood and adulthood never change. They are exactly the same in the medieval fantasy world as they are in our own modern day society.
71. The social injustices of the past were only ever practiced by cartoonishly evil people.
72. Note: All evil people are cartoonishly evil.
73. As a corollary to the two above, gray has no place on the chromatic moral scale.
74. Male vampires are tortured heroes. Female vampires have no redeeming qualities whatsoever.
75. Trees know best.
76. Plots of land grant the ability to cast spells.
77. Half-breeds are heroes.
78. Unless their school mascot was a snake. Then they're eeeeeeeeeevil.
79. Only virgins will do for magic rituals.
80. Or unicorns.
81. Male virgins don't count.
82. Vampires and werewolves hate each other. No idea why, but pretty much every author insists they do.
83. Women with white hair are into some kinky stuff.
84. The implications of certain religions being proved true never quite sink in for adventurers.
85. It's OK to murder people with green skin or scales.
86. Broken promises are worse than genocide.
87. Language barriers present no problem at all.
88. Dragons, like birds, are enthralled by shiny objects.
89. Ugly people are evil.
90. "Human" and "Caucasian" are synonyms.
91. All non-Americans have British accents. Even if they're Greeks, Romans, or Vikings.
92. Only bad people associate with the dead.
93. Technological innovations come in floods once about every three thousand years.
94. Diseases do no exist.
95. Unless the world is dark and edgy.
96. "Dark and Edgy" is realistic.
97. Princesses are good.
98. Queens are bad.
99. Kings and princes can be either good or bad, depending on their mood.
100. Barbarians make the best warriors.
101. Medieval Europe is the only place that matters.

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