Monday, March 4, 2013

101 MORE Things I Learned From Fantasy Stories

I previously explained 101 Things I Learned From Fantasy Stories. Here are 101 more.

102. Get that wench a bow. Wenches love bows.
103. Reanimation of the dead is arbitrarily evil.
104. Vampires are bottom of the ladder in terms supernatural powerhouses.
105. When attacking someone, you have a one-in-twenty chance of dealing massive damage.
106. You also have a one-in-twenty chance of failing in a spectacular fashion.
107. Taverns are places lifelong companions first meet in.
108. All plagues have magical origins.
109. Be cautious when dealing with chain-smoking blond British men.
110. People who hire you to complete a job are usually plotting to betray you later.
111. Having an unusual eye color makes you better than everyone else.
112. Dragons are rare, tasty creatures.
113. If the wording of a contract can be interpreted multiple ways, then don't sign it.
114. Just because the whole world depends on specific guy fulfilling specific prophecy, doesn't mean you should share vital information with him, refrain from imprisoning him, or generally work with him in anyway. Especially if he's a different gender than you.
115. If you follow the advice in #114, just remember that you are always right, no matter how stupid your actions are.
116. Children should not be given positions of power.
117. Except for religious reasons.
118. Steam technology can do pretty much anything.
119. Training children to be assassins never goes wrong, except for when it does.
120. Sadly sings Destiny
121. Gender relations are simple matters in which one party is always totally wrong and the other is always totally right.
122. A brief moment of eye contact is all that is required to ensure a successful marriage.
123. Stabbing yourself over an empty chalice is the best way to ensure a kingdom's prosperity.
124. Your kids can see things that you can't.
125. Nature is a singular entity that is very wise and peaceful.
126. Wolves are freaking everywhere, man.
127. Honor comes before reason.
128. The beings who represent the core aspects of reality all have names starting with "D"
129. Cloaked guys who sit quietly in corners are important.
130. Adventuring is a completely viable profession.
131. Dreams happen in their own special plane of existence.
132. If you meet a guy name Nyarlathotep, run.
133. Massive, centuries-spanning cover-ups are relatively common.
134. It's surprisingly easy to travel between realities.
135. Ships can fly.
136. Magic is metal.
137. Some cultures are just intrinsically good or evil.
138. Puppets. Puppets as far as the eye can see.
139. The line between fantasy and science fiction is very thin.
140. Swords are metal.
141. Something can be "final" many, many times.
142. God keeps destroying and recreating the universe in an effort to create a world without free will.
143. Wizards, elves, dwarves, samurai, and many others can get great money by doing under-the-table black ops for megacorporations.
144. King Arthur was absolutely a real, historical person.
145. So was Merlin.
146. Balrogs either have or don't have wings.
147. Alchemy will never be obsolete.
148. Taking a hit out on your own life may not be the best way to get out of a deal.
149. Evil wizards who want to subjugate normal, modern-day humans don't use guns and show know signs of even being aware of the existence of guns, so they'll probably feel awfully silly once the war starts.
150. The smallest cut can cause you to be covered in blood, and yet nobody will ever comment on this.
151. Dragons are metal.
152. Magic dances. Dances, magic dances.
153. Little girls' parents are not their parents and their lives are not their lives.
154. You can turn into a demon by rhyming about it.
155. For apparently self-evident reasons, magic and technology are mutually exclusive.
156. Chalk drawings on the ground are all it takes to keep demons from hurting you.
157. Magic, I believe, is located in a young girl's heart.
158. Talking about mortality is the best way to make a dragon stop flying.
159. Kings are metal.
160. Cinderella is a secret agent.
161. Language barriers are no barrier at all!
162. If you read enough books, you too can control the fabric of creation.
163. Wizards are just crazy mofos.
164. Goblins are green.
165. Except sometimes they're red.
166. Prophecies rhyme.
167. Speaking out of turn to those of a higher social station than you can only lead to positive results.
168. Especially if you're an attractive peasant boy and she's a princess, or if you're an attractive tomboyish girl and he's a noble who's never met a woman with a spine.
169. Trolls are definitely a thing, even if nobody can agree on the specifics.
170. Apparently, being pretty and having pointy ears makes you better than everyone else. Freaking elves...
171. The amazons were surprisingly enlightened and peace-loving for a tribe of ancient Greek warriors.
172. Gemstones are magic.
173. Knights are metal.
174. Why is the god of fire a frost giant? Because comic book writers fail at mythology.
175. Giant towering people are absolutely capable of sustaining their own weight, square cube law be damned.
176. The laws of physics are really more like guidelines anyway.
177. Love never ever fades with time.
178. Short people are a separate species from the rest of us.
179. Even if every other race has a life-span twice as long as our own, humans will always be the dominant people in the world.
180. Lizard-like jaws, lips, and mouths are capable of producing human speech.
181. You can store your memories in a bracelet.
182. Sometimes, islands just float in the sky.
183. Humans are a special kind of bastard.
184. Birds with mind-control powers occasionally take over people's dreams.
185. Conservation of mass is meaningless to a shapeshifter.
186. For some reason, even if gods, afterlives, and souls are proven and accepted facts in a fantasy world, their moral axes are still basically the same as our own.
187. If you rush a miracle worker, you get lousy miracles.
188. Even if their world is wildly different from our own, and they hail from a culture utterly alien to us, the protagonists always arbitrarily have the same values that we the audience do.
189. The divine right is the best right.
190. Demons, devils, and fallen angels are not the same thing.
191. Except for when they are.
192. Trees have brains, though where they are located is anybody's guess.
193. Even though it is demonstrably false, we must accept that humans are the only animals that kill their own kind.
194. Animals are arbitrarily noble.
195. On occasion, large groups of people will burst into song.
196. Chocolate factories are dangerous places.
197. The Spanish Civil War was a time of near-miscarriages, faeries, and people being beaten to death with glass bottles.
198. Monsters are people too, you know.
199. If you spend too much time underground, everybody will forget you ever existed.
200. Swords are easy to use.
201. There are seven devils all around me.
202. Seriously though, screw elves.

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